Howdy, ladies and dahlings and germ-filled cupcakes of pure scrumptious and phantasmagorical delight!
I wanna say something to y'all. It is something simple and perhaps a tad quaint, let me say. It is a story about you, or a part of you, or a part of you that you are in denial of, or your dog. Except your Chihuahua. Forgiveth me, but they are big-eared rats with snouts and the breath scents of Doritos.
The message… story… whateverthehell is this: YOU AIN'T PERFECT AND SHALL NEVER BE PERFECT EVER IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, even if you were to wish to God or Walt Disney and they decided "okay," then rained a bucket of raw perfection upon you.
Sorry, love, but perfection sucks anyway. C:
As a homosapien of strange manner, it is a general thought to strive down the path of perfection even if it means sacrificing every brain cell in your noggin and every tissue of confidence you have ever had. To be beautiful, like the light. To be accepted, like ink on an essay. To be smart, like that funny guy with the crazy white hair who came up with the MC Square shizniz. To be seen.
… It is a dream, to be seen. Everyone wants to be seen (and by "everyone" I mean "I THINK everyone because I am certainly in that boat.")
To be seen is to be recognized and acknowledged for your existence, which leads to acceptance of peers, which leads to the want to stay there, which leads you over a hidden chasm leading straight into LAMENTATION.
How many of you have lived a life of loneliness?
How many of you have grown up being cast out by those who also shared the same race you belonged to, as a human being?
How many of you have sat in the corner of a pallid classroom, watching with glazed eyes at people who actually spoke and did not hide? People that accepted each other. That laughed. That adored, that shared, that BELONGED.
Where were you? Were you there? Were you there, even if you weren't there?
If so, then they never saw you there, even when you sat in plain sight. You know you were there, but they did not.
… And OF COURSE, you give a damn about what THEY think of you then take those fraud thoughts and burn them into your memory, turning you into a self-proclaimed shyster with fluffed brains, a bloodstream made of sap, and bones with the soft and easily-bruised texture of some week-old PEACH FRUIT.
You think you are some monster just because you are not accepted by your peers then decide "Oh boo hoo, my life is a biiiitch, now excuse me while I go throw myself in front of a random incoming train. NOT THAT YOU CARE!!11" Your entire life is based on getting accepted and seen, wishing you could belong. Wishing you could be with someone.
Well listen here:
YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE, NOT WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO BE. And if you refuse to accept that, then crawl back to your basement and sob until someone cares and you brush them off for the sake of your ego.
Because that's how the world works. Not even Mickey Mouse could save you now.
We all look and sound and seem and breathe and draw and funk around differently. We are all strange in our own way yet we all have blood and muscle and flesh over it.
It has been COUNTLESS times and COUNTLESS hours that I have spent reading and listening to the cries and moans of dearly beloveds that refuse to live for the sake of their own happiness, only being brought down by the idiotic words of tyrants and obvious mackerel-faced twat scrubbers. Ask yourself: Where are YOU? Because that crying, whining, weak pile of skin reflected in their eyes is not you.
"You" are just hiding. You could not find yourself because you have been too busy allowing to be covered by such silly little rumors, such idiotic bullying, the teensiest shoves being treated like stabs to the gut.
You know what? If your "friends" do not like you, if they leave you out, if they spit in your face or laugh at your weirdness then THE HELL WITH THEM. Because they are not what they look like either, behind clean smiles while holding squirt guns chock full of blatant insults to plague you with.
What especially concerns me is the deep hollow skin-cutting world settled within the noggins of my dear lovelies; here on this site, I mean.
They are young as hell and already plummet through so much stress and despair just because of insults coming from the mouths of "friends" and obviously-tweaked folks; the smallest "You are so weird, hawhawhaw," could set them on a path of darkness. Countless times I have read noose threats. I could barely speak to anyone I used to anymore because whenever I do they are always in some gray world, trying to pass it off with an obviously fake "☺" and refusing to speak to me, which gets me ANXIOUS. Why? Because, folks out there so cluttered by the mass of idiocy, I happen to care, never mind how much in denial you are of it.
You know what is the funniest?
When dearies complain about how nobody cares about them and how they are being made fun of by their "peers" yet have three or four obvious friends who care about them so much; but they treat them as pity whines.
So wait… you believe what the bully twits say but when an obvious friend says otherwise then it does not count?
Even here at art college I've met and experienced young artists who are so haunted by their 2nd grade demons that they could not help but sigh and delve deeply into the memory of being left out of dodgeball.
Thing is, ladies and gents, that HIDING EQUALS PLUMMETING.
If we are so haunted by such memories, then we lose ourselves in the process and become slaves to our own lackings of confidence and/or even love. We become ignorant for our brains have become corroded by our own allowance of cruel words and a few slams to the face.
Then you go missing. And it is all downhill from there.
Now… I'll just have you know something before I get to the climax of my bloody point.
You are like "Finally!" never mind you read this far.Don't toss the "you don't know how it feels," card at me just because of god knows what for that does not slide away from the fact that I have experienced such things too. I have experienced YEARS of social breakings as well as a lack of friendship; not having someone there to share things with, being alone my entire school life before I entered the delicate foursome bond of kind high school weirdos.
All my life I have been scared of mouths. I was a puny, slow-witted thing who drew stick figures nonstop at my desk, cringing in fear at the loudmouths around me. I used to cry due to my sensitive nature, desperately wanting to belong. To be somebody in the eyes of people that were not related to me. To be there in the world. I wanted to talk to dear classmates and share my ideas with someone, only to be often looked at funny, talked about in giggly whispers, given leers asking what the hizzle I was doing, fingers pointed and laughing whenever I got anxious and covered up a drawing I was in the middle of completing, which of course led to tears and a reddening face followed by a wave of laughter from those pressuring me to talk out of taunting.
"Coolest" moment of my middle school life was calling some trout-lipped chick in my class a "bitch". Everyone giggled and looked at me hilariously.
…. Theeeeennn I called my older sister that in front of my mom that night. They explained to me what a "bitch" was and I was so dumbstruck.
"… So… they are NOT fleas on an animal? O_O" said I.
All my life I tried to be accepted and my confidence suffered for it, leading me through hysterical twists and turns.
I wanted to be what they wanted me to be, but all I had was my art. All I had were my cartoons, my airheaded daydreams, my stories, my worlds, nothing of skin nearby.
But you know what?
Years later I have realized that living for others is an act of puppetry. Where was I? Who was I?
I'm Andi. I'm not Stephanie, I'm not Careni, I'm not Madame Chatten-Chatten-Doo-Dang, I am just Andi.
And Andi says "I wanna be Andi."
It is alright to be yourself, folks. You are all you got in the world. You have been blessed with one life, one skin, one heart, one YOU. And what are you going to do with your life? Whine and complain about how you are not accepted or treated by others? Cry about not being an android?
What about you?
Be who you want to be and the hell with the mouths that try to drive you downwards. Ignore the cruel words. It is easy. Someone calls you worthless?
What do they know? They obviously don't know YOU. They are obviously speaking out of their own whiny insecurities and all that dark jazz.
Someone calls you useless?
Again, what do they know? You know who you are and who you want to be. Why even be useful to THEM? Be useful to yourself to get ahead in life, starting with acquiring your happiness.
Keep on living, never give up, just live and love foreverlong. Starting with yourself.
I like me. I may not love me, but I like me. I chose to let go and look forward giddily to becoming something epic, no matter the squalls.
You choose whether to fall or not and I'm just saying, as a friend, to grow some acceptance of who you are, what your dreams are, how to live.
There's only one of you in the world.
And that is a gift in itself.
"Stay hungry, stay foolish." - Steve Jobs
.... Let's do something fun. Only IF YOU WANNA, comment on this journal telling me who you are. Start by introducing yourself, even if you know me and I know your name or whatever, and simply tell me who you are and what are your dreams.
…. By the way, how are you guys doing? :3
Love,
Andi
PS: Temporary journal skin until I try to figure out what happened to the top title thingy in the other journal the ever so awesome
made a while back. XD